Living in Color with GOD

Diagnosed with a terminal illness, 

Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis

How does it feel? Not as scary as I would have thought it would be. Why ?… Why am I NOT going crazy with worry and what if’s? Why am I not looking at my checkbook going “can I survive financially?” Why am I not yelling at the top of my lungs saying “I am not ready yet God ???”

This just adds to the long list of Auto Immune-related illnesses that have become highly active these last 11/2 years. January 8th, 2005 began the long road to my Sjogrens Syndrome becoming very active and invading multiple organs causing strokes, painful flare-ups and shortness of breath. I am getting used to flare-ups and how to not overreact and get too upset and anxious when it happens. Breathe in…breathe out…and thank God you CAN breathe.

AND….

God makes all the difference in HOW I am NOW able to handle and to deal with any issues that arise. Fear dissolves and God’s strength and love for me takes over. I Now feel safe and know that whatever takes place….God will surround me with His loving presence and His unending love for me will supply me with peace and the ability to live life in whatever way I choose to live it and to serve and glorify Him. God will send me loving support from family and friends. God will direct me if I choose to listen and God will guide me to keep me emotionally and physically safe and at peace.

My role now is to surrender to God…trust in His love for me…..turn my daily fears, anxiety and struggles over to Him and allow Him to comfort and direct me. My role is to praise God…pray for healing and understand that MY IDEA OF HEALING is not the same as GOD’s idea of healing for me. My role is to trust that my needs and desires will be heard and fulfilled by God. My role is to continue living my daily walk with God…to continue listening, responding and serving in the way God has prepared me to live and serve. My role is to listen even more as He uses my health issues to bring others knowledge, peace, love, support and strength in their daily health problems, limitations, and fears.

My role is to realize that “God has been preparing me for this knowledge and this role all my life. ”This is just another opportunity for me to see His plan for me and to realize how much He has actually been preparing me for this day.

My role is to recognize all those times over the years that He gave me information, limitations, situations, and opportunities to heal and prepare me for my future challenges. I need to rethink those times when I JUST felt anger, fear and sorry for myself and didn’t take the time to process what God was trying to help me learn and to prepare me for. My role is to give God praise for giving me his great love and strength to get me through this and not just be angry and have a pity party and ask Why God…Why Me?

When I look over the last 3 years I can see how God has been preparing me for the Bigger Picture. It is so easy to be self-focused on the TINY THINGS that WE THINK are important that we make THOSE really a MUCH BIGGER problem than they truly are. We get so focuses on having to give up cute shoes (bunions), clear skin (necessary medications) toned bodies (too tired today honey), high energy (it takes me forever now), money (I used to be able to buy that), wealth (what is wealth actually??? And how do we need to now measure it), material things (I want one too) and the ABILITY TO DO IT ALL…..just because OTHERS can and YOU USED to be able to do it too.

 When I started having a lot of new and increased medical and physical problems I asked God for strength and the ability to cope with my new restrictions. I had a few pity parties. I whined a lot to my friends. I then got real and faced what was REALLY important in my life…and it wasn’t my cute shoes or a clear complexion.

What IS important to me IS GOD, my family and friends…yes….relationships and loving and serving in His Kingdom.

I now wear industrial shoes…..they kinda grow on you after a while…NO -- it just hurts less. BUT, I do get to see my friends wear my prized shoes and enjoy that immensely. My skin is now clearer…NO -- I just learned how to cover drug-induced acne better and for less money and am now going without makeup and don’t really care what people think anymore anyway. My body size is just not as important as it used to be and my clothes look so good on friends who really enjoy them and THAT gives me GREAT pleasure.

My energy is hardest to relinquish and energy is difficult to give away to others…but I see now how my positive attitude and personal testimony on how God has prepared me and loves me can actually offer energy and hope to those who are also struggling or who are ill. It is up to them if they choose to receive, understand and believe they can surrender and rely on God in their time of need.

My ability to do IT ALL and for EVERYONE and at ANY TIME I WANT TO—is SOOOOO LONG gone and makes me SADDEST…..God is helping me see what IS IMPORTANT and what I NEED TO LET GO OF.

Disease and medications age you faster than one would think…and that is hard to see in the mirror every day. I have always had high energy and looked and acted young for my age…I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last 18 months. My hair has gone from cute, gray-white, funky to murky medicinal, yucky beige and falling out…growing back and falling out again.  Praise God I have murky beige hair that grows back in and family and friends that love me anyway and in reality, I am the only one who can even TELL the difference. They love me, not my hair color or style. It is hard to see and believe that when you are the one who looks in the mirror and sees the CHANGED you today. Praise God for the prayers and meditations that help my disease go into remission and give me some of ME back for a while.

Personality is hardest for ME to see changing. I have always been bubbly and excited about life…I have always been a risk taker…wanting to “do it all” and have always had a lot of PASSION about life and about using my God-given gifts. It is hard to see yourself with NO energy or passion left and just feeling drained, tired and old looking. It is hard to make yourself keep going when you feel so tired, low and look sick. It is hard to pay for all the expensive medications that your disease commands. Some diseases require drugs with some serious side effects that seem to be worse than your symptoms. Fear and doubt creep in.

One just has to surrender, give it up to God and ask for wisdom, strength, and guidance. One has to have faith…rely on prayer and increase your relationship with God, your family and with friends. It is amazing how loving and serving God and others brightens your day and fills your spirit with energy and hope.

It is hard to dress like you used to…stylish and colorful and to bother putting on makeup and lipstick. Wear jewelry and wiggle when you walk ??? Well, maybe tomorrow when you have more energy.

 Just grab the comfortable gray sweat pants that don’t show lint and that you can put in the wash with the towels and that you can eat out in, relax at home in and sleep in if it gets that bad. Comfort becomes invaluable and EASY becomes Stylish, Necessary and even SHEIK….and it all becomes very critical depending on the day.

 I try to be positive and not get down. I push through a lot of pain and discomfort and try to NOT get stuck in feeling sorry for myself or focusing on the bad…the frustration or the ugly, draining part of the illness. It is hard to remain positive when your energy is depleted and you feel like you have the flu all the time. It is hard to function when you’re short of breath or getting your coumadin level checked every 3 days to see if you are at risk for another stroke. I try to not get discouraged when I have 3 to 5 doctor appointments in a week…I don’t want to eat artichoke dip and cheese balls every time I feel overwhelmed and low.

I do want to get back to more than just resting and getting by. I desire and WILL regain my energy to serve and use my gifts for God’s glory. I WILL feel useful again and know that I can be healed through God's love for Me and by My love for HIM….in His time and by His definition of healing.

My children, grandchildren, and other family members offer love and support….they bring joy, relaxation, and peace…they are strong and secure as a family…they are absolutely amazingly wonderful to me. I am so lucky to have been given them to raise…. And am so blessed to be a part of their lives.

Today I was given the gift of writing to be able to process my feelings and work through my fears and concerns for my future and my health. Today I was SENT good friends to do whatever it was I needed -- to be silly, laugh and to give me energy and the will to continue and to not give up. Today was beyond wonderful. Today I felt alive and loved!!

Today has become a crazy, delicious memory that has given me endless energy and hope. Today I faced fear and sadness and won with God’s love, guidance, and support. Today I KNOW that whatever God has planned for my future…..I will be able to step out in faith…and to complete my journey for and to GOD.

Thank you, GOD for your loving kindness and for being such a wonderful faithful Father to me. I love you!!!! I need you and I praise you and I am thankful that I can breathe in and breathe out….